Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
