Where is the hickey?
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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