i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
