then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Can't talk, ducks in the car
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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