I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
