So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
