When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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