So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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