Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
