Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
