He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
