i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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