I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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