i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I think i got beer on your cat.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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