I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
