Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
