On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize