I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize