I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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