The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
