I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize