If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
