What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
