Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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