I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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