well I can't set my house on fire every night
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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