i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
