just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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