Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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