Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize