I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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