I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize