i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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