It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
we're so committed to being not committed
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