Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
