Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
