Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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