Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
