he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
