make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
