Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
