And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
