I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
