I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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