Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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