and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
