My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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