Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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