Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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