Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
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