She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
