I want to have your abortion
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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