I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
